ken's bars

hello my lovelies! long time no see. i’ve been in a pretty miserable state for a hot second, but before i got to this point i was planning on bringing kens bars back. progress and growth isn’t linear so i’m not going to beat myself up about it? yk? life is about experiencing different phases and engaging with yourself authentically (wowwww she’s so insightful… everybody should gasp rn). that’s kinda what led me here. to the space and mindset i’m currently in. 

so fineeeee i got a job (i currently work 3.25 jobs). slaving away for corporate america fixes all of your problems! omg could you imagine if i was an industry plant. quite literally THE industry plant. nah i work for a non-profit : ) yay (and in retail)! but developing that structure really saved me from myself? 

ew. sidenote: i am really big on perfecting phrases to the point where they’re aesthetic even (i like to write says girl with blog). and that felt yucky but i’m lazy so wtv. 

but anyways i work my jobs and i’m all fine now yay! except no. i got to a point where i realized i lowkey… am turning into my mom? hi mommy i love you pls keep reading! no but seriously i was just stressed all of the time (this is where the relation to my mother ends) and i couldn’t do anything until i received some form of validation. and the gemini that lives both deep within me but also right on the surface wanted to die. because in what world do i wish to be reliant on another person for peace and tranquillity? not a single one of them.

you guys know i’m cool calm and collected so of course i brought this to people’s attention once i realized (i was silent and let it bubble up until i almost had a panic attack) and then started prioritizing my wellbeing. on this journey i stayed off of my own social media accounts (i’m literally a marketing intern from 10-3… so yk couldn’t delete the whole thing) and realized i have a fear of abandonment (everybody clap!) and… (drumroll pls) i continuously disrespect my own dedication to my hobbies and interests (woohoo!!). so yeah. yeah… whoops. i have a habit of abandoning the things i genuinely love to my core for other relationships. and it’s not a new thing? in my head i always analyze how people perceive me and what people like about me first and that’s what i use as motivation to pull myself back on track. but? that’s pretty unhealthy. at least according to the codependency workbooks my mom bought me.

so for the first time i don’t have a desire to be perceived, and i kinda just want to chill and be by myself… not alone alone i love my circle. but i just want to dedicate more time to being alone. and nurturing who i am. i logged out of my main insta account… i’m probably going to check it once a week or something? but i just miss spending time away from my phone and not being riddled with anxiety. so i am excited to introduce a new phase of my life attributed to self discovery: ken doll.

ken doll is marked by bright colors, themes of expanded thought and evolution, songs that feel like summer, fruit with a heavy emphasis on citruses, accepting mistakes and owning insecurities, honest vulnerability, and my pledge to put myself first.