ken's bars

welcome to kenny coded, which is essentially a letter from the inside of my brain…last week was midterm week, i had 3 games, and some emotional turmoil… so this blog post will just be my big girl thoughts from the past 6 days. 

1. summer kenny

i miss summer ken so so so much. the warm weather, no classes, vacations, braids, beads galore, jewelry, body, skin, everything really, is just top tier. my birthday is in summer which is definitely a huge reason why it’s my favorite time but i just feel like everything is better in the summer. i’ve already been looking at the braids i’m going to get when i go home. i always get blonde braids in the summer and i typically mix in lots of beads. which i’m realizing i can like totally do this during the winter but idk it just feels like a warm weather occasion. i also make a ton of jewelry with my friend over the break, so beads in general just remind me of summer. i can’t wait to get my nails done and go on vacation. i come home from vacation so motivated and productive… sigh : ) i am very excited to see where we head off to this summer. i miss sand volleyball, thrifting, and cooking with my home friends too. ugh just all of it. i’m prepping right now for the best time of my life and i just want to jump forward. all in all summer kenny is really that girl and i miss her tew bad. 

summer flicks that remind me that life can be good all the time:

2. birthday kenny/reinventing kenny

i’ve been thinking about adding my massive wishlist to ken’s bars but i’m trying to figure out how i want to do it so for now i’m just going to talk about what i want in general. it’s hard to believe that i won’t be a teenage girl after june… and honestly i don’t want to even think about that rn. 

to everyone who wants to get me something: i just want a bunch of antique gold jewelry. like any type of gold jewelry from thrift store, resell website, flea market, antique shop, etc. honestly i might even add silver in there too… i like both because some outfits feel like gold outfits and others feel like silver outfits (i just like all my detailing to match). anyways, how cool would it be to have a bunch of unique pieces. and when i say all jewelry i mean anklets, rings (i have v tiny fingers tho so idk), bracelets, necklaces, earrings, everything. i think i wanna shift my vibe to like simple (ish) outfit but covered in jewelry? i think that’d be cute. also so funny that i’m saying “i think” as if my pinterest has not looked the same for 2 years. i know exactly what i want to eventually achieve but i didn’t really plan on being depressed for a year so i have to get back on my grind. like neow. we’re very very behind rn. i’m tired of trying to convince people that i’m cooler than what I look like. it’s truly exhausting. 

3. feeling like a girl

(crazy vibe shift i’m sorry) this is the first time i’ve felt like truly enslaved to my feelings instead of being ruled by my thoughts… and i would say it’s actually very anxiety inducing lol. my first therapist would have me separate what my mind wanted me to do vs what my heart wanted me to do. and it’s a tactic that i’ve kept with me because honestly it’s really helpful when analyzing big situations where you feel conflicted. i feel like i have whiplash in the sense that i was so invested in a future that i was certain would come to fruition and then i was lied to… and yk had my whole judas moment. so then i scrapped everything that even remotely reminded me of that wasted potential because that’s how i heal. OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND. and it worked pretty well for a little bit. i was focused on everything i had been neglecting. and honestly that doesn’t have to be past tense, i still am putting school, lacrosse, work, and self first. because that’s what should be most important to me. BUT now the script has been completely flipped. and like to hear all the things you wanted to hear 3 months ago, now… after you’ve already abandoned an entire narrative where you ended up getting completely screwed over… is such a crazy feeling. i can’t even describe  it. yes it can nvm. it feels like your heart is being electrocuted… genuinely. that’s exactly how it feels. and like WHAT THE HELL am i supposed to do about that. idk. i don’t even know. my heart lies in one place and my head lies somewhere else. and there is no middle ground. and i haven’t been able to cry recently… dk what that’s about? but it’s really messing everything up. i just want someone to hold my heart in high regard, and it shouldn’t take someone else for you to realize that my heart is the one you want to hold. so yeah! (literally just bawled after writing that, i feel much better)

4. weekly bangers (explained)

i feel like a lot of people don’t actually know that i post my very mainstream weekly bangers every week… it’s just on page 2… so yk if you wanna go back and look at what 2010s mass streamed radio jams i’ve been studying to for the past couple of weeks, you’re more than welcome to. anyways normally i do no nuance but i’m feeling generous so here’s some explanations: 

• SORRY NOT SORRY BY BRYSON TILLER 
  • i just love the beat, it’s so funsies. heavy bass is almost always enjoyable to me and i probably will go deaf by 2050 but for now it’s the reason i know every lyric to majority of bass boosted rap songs… it’s also a good shower song and spotify does a good job of playing recommended songs off of it.
• LET IT HAPPEN BY TAME IMPALA
  • besides the obvious stellar guitar solo. this song makes me uncomfortable in a good way? which is kinda what the song is about so… shoutout to kevin parker. great concept, fantastic execution. keep up the good work buddy. 
• HOW MUCH IS WEED? BY DOMINIC FIKE
  • this is has been my 2nd most streamed song for the past year so she’s just coming back around to say hi. i love to walk to this song, idk if everyone has good walking songs? i’ve been meaning to make a playlist of my favorites but i haven’t gotten to it yet. but this would be the first add.
• D.T.B. BY A BOOGIE WIT DA HOODIE
  • this song gets me really really fired up! like truly and genuinely on the brink of livid. boogie’s emotions become my emotions, we are one in the same. 
• TOO MANY YEARS BY KODAK BLACK
  • totally forgot this song existed until my teammate played it in the car today and now it has to go on the list because it’s been stuck in my head ever since. 
• 90210 BY TRAVIS SCOTT
  • i want kacy hill to sing me to me all of the time. something about her voice scratches my brain just right. 
• I CANT SAVE YOU BY METRO BOOMIN
  • i miss listening to don toliver. and the transition to this song is perfect, she’s just a cute little interlude that can do no wrong. 
• COME A LITTLE CLOSER BY CAGE THE ELEPHANT
  • i kept repeating the “timeeee fliessss” part in this song over and over and then i finally listened to it while studying and never stopped.