i’m back, did you miss me? cause i missed you! hey long story short my depression is picking back up again and i’m about to be less busy so i’m using this for structure, accountability, and a creative outlet. which has always kind of been ken’s bars’ purpose. this is a jumbled mess, not particularly in order but yk… when is life orderly?
SUNDAY:
still recovering from the election tbh because wow. just wow. i’m not shocked by the results, but i am extremely disappointed. i definitely spent a lot of time crying to my mom about my own personal experiences with reproductive healthcare and maybe i’ll write a personal piece on that later but i am so proud of kamala and the race she ran. i am so proud to be a howard student and i have never felt more passionate about my decision to attend this university.
i got ready to go support my wife at her soccer game. not really my wife just one of my closest friends that i love to pieces. i tried to get as many of my teammates at the game as i could because this was the championship game! i take so many pictures of her when she plays bc that’s how i show my love… other than screaming my head off. my teammate who is transferring next semester drove over to hang out with us (it’s like a 2 hour drive for her). WOMENS SOCCER WON! literally how exciting. we rushed the field, i picked up my pookie and spun her in a circle! eek how cool : ) after the game we stopped in to watch the women’s basketball game before heading home.
sephora haul:
- one size travel sized setting spray
- fenty gloss bomb in fuchsia flex
- reg sephora powder puff
- sol de janiero 62 (needed a winter scent, this was my winter scent last year too)
outfits:
cheetah mom: thrifted cheetah and floral print 3/4 sleeve shirt, garage baggy dark wash jeans, dark brown leather jacket, doc marten mary jane shoes, vintage chanel sunnies, dainty gold rope chain, chunky circle necklace, and dark brown/red lip (essential to the fit).
i’m not gay: thrifted burgundy hurley embroidered zip up, cream brandy melville cable knit sweater, h&m straight leg brown/grey wash straight leg jeans with tie belt, and black sambas (should’ve gone with a chunkier shoe and worn my glasses).
lazy funeral drip: hair was in a half up half down (essential to the fit), plain black sweatshirt, garage distressed slouchy light wash jeans with a thick single cuff, canada goose parka with hood removed, black glasses, and a black umbrella.
FAV TEXTS WITH MY BEST FRIEND WHO I MISS DEARLY:
i have a best friend. who i absolutely adore. and i think the way we communicate to each other is rather interesting… we are close in the way siblings are close? i always used to say i wanted a twin brother when i was younger and i actually got one. like he goes over my parents house even when i’m not home just to hang out with them. like in high school he came over almost every night he was working. like das twin. we don’t really like to communicate the all the way because why would we. it’s like half a sentence majority of the time. and other times we just have funny conversations to lemme give you some examples from recently:
WEDNESDAY:
i woke up early and for a team meeting and lift where i got chalked up by my teammates. how cute! after lift i had to go get ready for accounting 2 where we had a pop quiz… let’s just pray on that one! after that i went to chinese class where i had ANOTHER quiz? and we’re gonna send a prayer up for that one too tbh!
after chinese i went to lunch with 2 of my friends. my bestfriend and i kinda kidnapped our friend but hey, he wouldn’t have complied if he didn’t wanna join anyways so yk!
i was in an insane amount of pain for this day and it was actually very hard to walk so after lunch (i barely ate) i went to rehab! my trainer realigned my hips and had me do some exercises that made me question whether or not i wanted to show up for practice the next day but then i did some stim treatment and that helped a lot. it’s kinda like the hurts so good feeling? but then once i was done i was just in pain again.
after leaving the athletic facility i went back to my dorm to grab my medication and headed to my marketing class. it was rather boring. it is always boring but we have a million group assignments that are pretty important and i recently discovered that my attendance does indeed count for this class. soer… oopsies. after class me and my bestie headed to the library where i worked on my planner to organize my life. which yk didn’t necessarily accomplish a lot but i had a better understanding of what i was missing and what’s in front of me. after hanging in the library i went to go meet with my athletic academic advisor who just sent me to my academic advisor who inevitably sent me home because “i should’ve planned out my schedule with her earlier” ! perfect aye! thank you so much.
i walked home after that because that was a sign i was just doing too much. my medication was wearing off and i hadn’t eaten much so i was very mellow and my friend gabrielle offered to treat me to CFA! we were order 911 (hmm). we took our food home and i recorded about 45 million tik toks of my outfit and then i took myself to sleep… but not before seeing my RA trying to take her cat on a walk. which was truly inspiring.
planner:
this has been my planner for this week and in a little i’m about to get real honest about what got done and what didn’t so that i can hold me accountable and y’all can see that i’m not perfect. i feel like you all might not think that i’m perfect fr but idk i consistently compare myself and i have a hard time being vulnerable about my own flaws.
memories that remind me that a love like mine does exist:
when i was too sick to pack for my lacrosse trip and someone did all of my laundry and packed my bags
whenever someone prays for me in general but especially whenever someone prays for angels to stay encamped around me
when someone bought me cookies because i had a long day
when i had the flu and someone ensured i took all my medicine and forced me to eat soup
when i was so heartbroken i didn’t have an appetite and someone bought me fries to nibble on next to them
when someone let me rant about the same situation over and over until i finally felt stable
when my medication was wearing off poorly and someone let me sit with them while they read me a chapter of my book (i have a whole piece on this… she may see the light of day she might not)
when my mom surprises me because she knows that i love gifts in surprise form (hamilton tickets, universal tickets, long distance friend visits, booking my favorite hotel, etc)
when my friends and family come to my home games even though we always lose
whenever i receive a “this reminded me of you” text
whenever people send me songs they relate to me
whenever i got ready and my roommate would find something new to compliment me on
whenever people discuss my character in detail
whenever people write about me
whenever people feel comfortable confiding in me
whenever people are willing to watch shows or movies i suggest bc watching new things makes me anxious sometimes
whenever people invite me to body double
whenever people speak highly of me in rooms i’m not in and it gets back to me via another source
Current favorites:
food: the boss sub
drink: xxx vitamin water
show: the secret life of mormons
videos: hardstone psycho album reaction videos
songs:
no pole by don toliver
let u go by lucidbeatz
gone gone / thank you by tyler the creator
westcoast collective by dominic fike
thought i was dead by tyler, the creator
ifhy by tyler, the creator
timeless by the weeknd
rockstar girl by don toliver
beno! by playboi carti
dreamin by thepartynextdoor
pretty little birds by sza
jungle by drake
addictions by brent faiyaz
st. chroma by tyler, the creator
after you by tay-k
albums:
chromakopia – tyler, the creator
ctrl – sza
hardstone psycho – don toliver
SATURDAY:
i woke up RAVENOUS. immediately called my bestfriend and we decided to go to unido for breakfast dressed like actual slobs. but hey. at least i was comfortable. after that we got ready for a swim meet in her room with two of my other bestfriends/teammates (2 in 1). we were running pretty late… oopsies daisies! and on our way up 2 of us decided they wanted CFA before the meet so we split up. i love swim meets but for some reason i wasn’t as energetic as i have been previously? we didn’t stay for a long time but i had fun cheering on my friends with my teammates. after we left i went to bed rot on my friend’s floor where we got ready. i took a bunch of pictures and rotted on the floor until it was time for our chilli’s date! we were celebrating hunger and my friend’s semester as a TA coming to an end. the drive was pretty long and we got to see where my friend grew up which was super cute. the wait for chilli’s was actually insane so we ended up playing games like the green glass door riddle, truth or dare, over under, and wavelength to pass the time. almost all of us ordered a triple dipper, i got the sliders, fried mozzarella, and bbq boneless wings with a mango iced tea. i’ve been really anti sweets recently so i am enjoying slightly bitter beverages. we stopped by krispy kreme otw home to fill someone’s sweet treat craving before driving home. when i got home i went to go watch football for a couple hours before heading home and going to bed.
let me be clear:
i’m going to kinda go through my pressure points of the week… things i’m kicking myself for… or issues i’m noticing… and everyone is going to be chill about it pls?
- i am definitely falling into a burn out based depressive episode… this is completely normal because of my adhd but i’m definitely struggling to find motivation. historically novembers are pretty hard because you’re in this bitter spot of almost home and home stretch and it’s cold outside. when there is an element of life that makes it harder for me to do something i call it a barrier of entry (business terminology but it applies). the weather is a barrier of entry. cause now that’s it’s cold outside i don’t want to go do the things i need to do that require me to do my work. another one that is contributing to my depressive state is the laundry. howard decided to raise tuition and cut our laundry money. fantastic. i already have an issue with laundry at college. i am so bad at it because living in a building with 1k people means that the negligence when it comes to laundry is augmented. and i hate going floor to floor and waiting and taking peoples clothes out and wtv. so i barely have money left and i am just thinking about washing my clothes at home. bc on top of everything it’s just weighing on my conscious. okay that wasn’t even bad you guys. i feel better.
- i’m neglecting school just a little bit. not like falling off the face of the earth but i have been like… not checking my agenda for assignments because i am scared of the work. and this is literally academic weapon comeback season so i quite literally DO NOT have time for this. you saw my planner tho? there are plans in place. ideally.
- i recently did something that i am not only not proud of but also it’s incredibly hypocritical. i can’t really get into details because it involves other parties and yk this isn’t a drama page but just know it wasn’t my best moment. it was definitely a moment of weakness. i did something that i just scolded someone for doing and it wasn’t on purpose… it was completely emotionally based/in the moment, but it definitely gave me a lot of perspective. like so much perspective. it has shown me that i need to take a step back and figure out not what i want but rather what i need. and yes it is complicated but so is life. i’m like terrified to let go (maybe i should read my own blog post lol). but if i hang on i will end up hurting more people, including myself. i have always known what i need to do. but this time i can actually empathize. i am finally understanding how hurt people hurt people this is kinda cray. i’m upset it took me this long to get here and i’m frustrated that my feelings are all over the place because i am normally the emotionally intelligent and available girl with a level head. now i am emotionally unavailable and the way i feel changes every 4 hours.
- i have an to go see a certain department on campus and it is rather urgent. like URGENT. but i cannot bring myself to do it because it for some reason gives me a lot of anxiety (i am terrified of rejection). but i need to just go and get it over with because it is so important. like SO IMPORTANT. and i was working it out with my therapist but now i can’t see her until january so i kinda just let the problem build. sigh. that one is BAD. like i really need to go handle that. so i’m gonna try to do that this week (this is my last opportunity). and i feel better after saying all of this!
weekly words of wisdom:
my lesson for this week is: what you’re not changing, you’re choosing. if you don’t like the way something makes you feel but you continue to put up with it when there are actions you can take to mitigate the issue then that is an experience you are actively choosing. it’s not a lesson i’ve mastered because you literally just read my list of flaws for the week… and those are mostly conclusions based on a pattern of behavior i’ve noticed. but it is something i’ve been implementing into my thought process and something i want to actively work on to avoid being a complainer.
ken's bars 
Leave a comment