“everything i’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it” – david foster wallace
this summer, i started my journey towards peace of mind and one of the best lessons i’ve learned is to let go. i’m tired of feeling like a scared cat: sinking my claws into someone’s expensive upholstery, frozen because i am scared of change.
one of my exercises in physical therapy is leg extensions. my trainer loads up the weight to the point where i am unable to actually move the machine. i push as hard as i can for 3 seconds and then rest for 3 seconds. by the time i’ve finished all my sets i’m gassed. because staying tense, especially when working against an unmovable force, is exhausting. emotional resilience, unlike physical strength, is not built by continually resisting what cannot change. you will burnout.
a couple months ago, i was having a conversation with my dear friend about people in her life treating her poorly. i was proud of her for persevering, but at the end of the day having a good heart is not defined by putting yourself in a position to get it broken over and over again. balancing respect between oneself and others is a much better determination of character. i’ve been learning to balance respect for relationships, hobbies, activities, food, music, and purchases that consistently fill me, opposed to the thrills that will inevitably drain me. as i’ve gotten older i’ve learned to seek out peace over euphoria. steadiness over spikes. in order to determine the difference, i advise you to analyze how you feel after an experience: feeling unsafe, fully drained, unheard, emotionally low, anxious, disappointed or depressed can be signs that your relationship with those people or that activity might not be healthy for you. pour into what pours back into you. search for symbiotic relationships in all of life’s aspects. be receptive to energy exchanges around you. doing something that nourishes you and connects you to your identity, will make you feel whole. my therapist once gave me an assignment to make a dopamine menu (a list of activities that consistently bring me joy or peace). not gonna lie, i thought it was kinda stupid at the time but now it’s been a fantastic way to decide how i want to spend my free time and plan my social life.
consistency has allowed me to appreciate moderation. i think this is a lesson that comes with age, but i first noticed when i was making tea this summer. as a child i loved tea but not for the taste of the leaves, rather for the egregious amount of honey i added. now, anything on the sweet side hurts my teeth, so i make my tea with just a drop of honey and i still enjoy my late night wind down beverage but for different reasons. i took my newly acquired taste for barely sweet tea as an analogy for my new disposition (work in progress). still sunny, but i’m not going to tear myself up when life changes my plans. when i was younger i would sob after realizing i napped through the sunset. something about waking up after the sun went down made me feel like i had wasted all of the days opportunities. kind of dramatic, but that deep set rage still lives inside of me, even though i mask it better now. i’m learning how to let myself be excited for things coming up. focusing on finding the joy in acceleration or anticipation instead of being upset that the drop hasn’t happened yet. finding the balance between rarity and frequently is the key. finding the beauty in interactions and feelings i know will occur again, but not forcing interactions because i’m craving the emotional high.
letting go also involves opening yourself up. profound pondering has an entire video on changing your expectations so that you are able to appreciate everything. and that sounds kinda iffy but you have to watch the video (i’ll link his channel below). expecting nothing is not about lowering your expectations. instead it’s really about not always taking control. when you strangle or choke someone to get an answer out of them you are also preventing them from speaking. don’t block your blessings by jumping the gun. there are so many bigger plans at play. even if you’re not spiritual, there are billions of people on this planet and each person has goals, feelings, obligations, and hardships. things will happen as they’re supposed to and everything is a gift. what are the odds that you get to experience the joys of life that you experience. what are the chances that you met people however many months or years ago and now they are such essential members of your life. and there are several blessings ahead of us that we don’t even know about. experience gratitude to its fullest potential.
recently, my anxiety has felt like a whirling storm. it feels like i’m stuck in my own personal tornado and i’m being led to a cliff: not in a suicidal way but in the sense that all of a sudden the only answer to the problem in front of me is dramatic plunge, but i’ll jump anyway because it feels like that’s the only way to escape from my own mind (tldr: i go 0 to 100 real quick because that feels like the only reasonable response). i feel like i’m always seeing verbiage about “taking control” of anxiety but true freedom comes when you let go. and like duh. easier said than done because anxiety makes you hold on. but, i made myself an anxiety plan dedicated to loosening the knots that form in my stomach when i get stressed.
i cannot for the life of me remember where i got this quote from. it could’ve been eyan bryant, jay vespertine, or some random interview somewhere but i can summarize most of this into the saying “become grass”. trees are likely to be uprooted or broken during storms because they stand tall and rigid. trees are averse to change. meanwhile, grass is dynamic and responsive to outside forces so it is more likely to survive a storm. for my meditation or visual people: i imagine a field or a singular blade of grass when i’m trying to calm myself down from whatever simulation my anxiety has put me in. when i picture grass it helps me no longer want to seek control, i can feel myself slowly releasing my proverbial claws from the proverbial couch, and i open myself up to be more grateful and at peace. next blog post i wanna go more in depth on what my dopamine menu and anxiety plan look like in case anyone is going through the same sort of stress. i want to emphasize that these life lessons do not immediately fix anything and having hurt feelings are a part of life. it is normal to experience jealousy, stress, sadness, anger, and whatever other emotions that are generally perceived as negative. i just wanted to share some lessons that are helping me understand that pain is not permanent. fixed mindsets leave you frozen while the world continuously flows around you.
ken's bars 
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